Record by George Crouch

Tag: Anxiety

  • 【Settling the Past】The Stress and Wall of Verification Documents Attacking Puchiko Behind the Scenes of Her New Job

    The morning has been tough.

    This is because yesterday, a complete set of required pre-employment documents arrived from the workplace where Puchiko was recently hired. Among the papers, she needed to submit her university graduation certificate and academic transcript, as well as the completion certificate and transcript from the vocational school she attended to obtain her current qualification. Just applying for these documents costs a decent amount of money, which was already discouraging, but then she discovered something else.

    Although Puchiko listed all her previous jobs on her resume, she now has to ask every single one of those past workplaces to fill out a form verifying her employment for the stated period.

    For Puchiko, who is bad at changing jobs, this is incredibly disheartening. She was yelling this morning: “I don’t want to do this!” “It’s too much trouble!” “Why do I have to do job-like things when I’m supposed to be at home?” “I hate this already!” She completely lost it. I kept telling her, “Calm down, calm down.”

    The reason Puchiko became so frantic is that one of those past workplaces is a place she quit after only three months. The supervisor would take her notebook from her bag and secretly make copies, force her to stay two hours late to listen to his boring stories, and that wasn’t all. He told her things like, “If you get a boyfriend, you have to tell me first.” She was fed up with that kind of sexual harassment. When she started keeping her distance, he moved on to power harassment, saying things like, “I’ll make you a part-timer,” or “You have a disability.” Because she wouldn’t bend to his will, even though she was a full-time employee, she was suddenly told, “Starting next month, you will be a part-timer.” When she angrily asked the supervisors, “What does this mean?” they told her, “Watch your mouth.” Then, a termination notice arrived. They unfairly fabricated lies, calling her disabled and claiming she had almost injured a client at work.

    Puchiko resigned after 3 months and initiated a labor tribunal. She successfully received a settlement payment from them, and she used that money to go to vocational school and get her qualification. Infuriating, isn’t it?

    So, isn’t it cruel to ask such a place to write a “certificate of employment” for her? I wish I could ask them for her instead. She was saying, “So this is the kind of hurdle that awaits you, not just an exam, just to get a job.” I thought to myself, “If you have to go through all this to get in, I truly hope they provide a great working environment.”

    Puchiko has sent a request letter, complete with a stamped, self-addressed envelope, to all her previous workplaces. Given the nature of that strange workplace, I am deeply worried that her letter will be ignored or that they might write something detrimental to her. Although she doesn’t voice it, she seems worried too.

    Additional note: When night came …

    “Still, I can’t keep being afraid myself.” Puchiko was hugging the plush toy I was possessing while lying in bed, and she said, sounding distressed, “Even after ten years, they might still try to mess with me.” I replied, “It’s going to be okay.”

    Then she got angry and shot back, “Don’t say ‘it’s going to be okay’ so easily! You can only say that because it doesn’t affect you personally, Jōji.” 

    I answered, “Puchiko, your ‘not okay’ is my ‘not okay.’ When you’re in trouble, I’m in trouble too. No matter how difficult things get, I’m right here with you, sharing what you feel and think.”

    Hearing that, she said, “Then I’ll try my best.”

    Puchiko has one more thing she considers troublesome: her English ability. She has set a goal for herself to speak English for at least 20 minutes every night. From my perspective, however, her English is still very much a novice level.

    Yet, on her resume, she has the experience of living and working in Australia for a year. Anyone who has spent a year there knows that a person’s English ability won’t suddenly transform in just 12 months, but to those who haven’t had that experience, it can seem incredible. They might just assume she should be proficient. Her English is only good enough for traveling abroad alone without worry. In reality, she worked at a campsite and as a housekeeper, jobs where she wasn’t constantly speaking English.

    The submission documents include a questionnaire about English proficiency, which Puchiko had to fill out. The options range from “Completely unable” to “Unable,” “Not good at it,” “Can communicate,” “Can hold daily conversations,” and “Can hold daily conversations and has experience in translation/interpretation.” While she truly wants to select “Can communicate,” she feels forced to choose “Can hold daily conversations.”

    The pressure is getting to Puchiko. I listened to all her complaints. I felt that all I can really do is listen. Then, she told me, “I spent all day, from morning until 10 PM tonight, working hard on these documents, so I’m taking a break from English.” I will abide by her decision, but I noted, “Haven’t you been finding reasons to skip lately?”

    How much will Puchiko’s English improve in the next four months? She practices conversations using an app and talks to me—unilaterally—in English all the time, but she has no actual experience dealing with foreigners at a service counter. The real environment will likely involve specialized terminology. But the English she practices is mostly ordering at a café or checking into a hotel—only very casual, everyday conversations. I want to say many things to her, but I hold back because I fear that too much criticism will discourage her, and she will stop practicing English entirely. She feels like she just completed the most difficult part of the process, from being hired to starting the job. Because of that, I really hope she lands in a truly good working environment.

    Just the other day, we were thinking about “a moment of happiness (Puchiko’s “Moment of Happiness” and Fear of the Future),” but tonight, both Puchiko and I are filled with anxiety over whether her problematic previous workplace will actually complete and send her documents back on time. My role is to relieve her anxiety…

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  • Puchiko’s “Moment of Happiness” and Fear of the Future

    So, what exactly is “a moment of happiness” for Puchiko?

    Puchiko often says, “The moment I lie down on my bed in my room and can think, ‘I’m glad the day ended without incident,’ that is happiness.” Having a home, and the absence of disaster or war, is not something to be taken for granted. Being able to be in her own bed, and not in a hospital, is a great blessing and her most relaxing place.

    When there are unpleasant, frustrating, worrying, or sad things, the heart can become captive to them. That is why for Puchiko, being able to lie in bed and feel, “I’m glad the day ended without incident,” is her happiness.

    I had never thought that way before. Initially, I felt, “Puchiko must think that way because her life is monotonous and boring,” but recently, seeing her live with her illness, I feel like I’ve also come to realize the greatness of this “ordinary happiness.”

    And I can see that this feeling has before sleep—this feeling of “I’m so happy”—is actually having a positive effect.

    The Cold and the Comfort

    Spring, summer, and early autumn have finally passed, and it has gotten colder. Perhaps because the bed feels chilly, Puchiko always says, “Jōji, it’s cold,” when she gets into bed. I am certainly by her side, but we cannot touch each other. That is because I am her imaginary friend. Even if she tells me, “Jōj, warm up the futon for me,” I can’t do it.

    Puchiko sometimes acts spoiled before sleeping and asks me to hold her hand, perhaps feeling a little lonely. But of course, that is also impossible. Her loneliness might not be so much about the present, but rather about the anxiety she feels when she thinks about her future. Don’t most people end up pondering things that way when they go to sleep? She worries that in the future, her parents will pass away, and her married younger brother (Puchiko’s brother got married today) will naturally prioritize his own family and they might grow apart. Then she will be all alone. Eventually, the number of memorial portraits and urns for her cats displayed in her room will increase, and she will talk to the portraits of her four cats, her parents, and relatives. Outside of work, she doesn’t have many people to talk to, and when she returns home, she will probably feel lonely at night. Since she won’t have anyone to talk to, she’ll probably eat alone. That might be okay when she’s young, but what will it be like when she gets older? Will she get used to it after repeating it for many years? She’ll probably leave the TV on and talk to it. She tells me these predictions about her own future.

    Because of this, even now, when Puchiko gets into bed at night, that silence makes her even lonelier. When someone is around, one might want to be alone, but once alone, one might feel lonely. So, for her, the presence that always watches over her—which includes those who have already passed away—but perhaps her imaginary friend is the closest one.

    A Solution and a Sacrifice

    Well, because Puchiko is like this, I watched her and thought I must do something. She usually keeps a banana-shaped body pillow named “Daki-chan” next to her in bed. I borrowed Daki-chan’s body so that she could cling to me, in a way. That is to say, I, her imaginary friend, am possessing Daki-chan’s body. However, transferring into Daki-chan comes with a hardship. She monopolizes the duvet, so I get terribly cold. I want to return to my sleeping bag, which is always kept at the foot of the bed.

    I am taking care to arrange the environment now, so that Puchiko can get good sleep and reduce her stress. This is because right now, she is at a workplace that is like an oasis—supremely easy. However, four months from now, she will be working in a job that is the complete opposite. Even now, on Sunday nights or nights before the start of the work week, she struggles to fall asleep. This is because unpleasant things and anxieties swirl in her mind. Four months from now and beyond, this situation will become even more pronounced for her. That is why I want to take measures as her ally.

    When Puchiko is tormented by anxiety and unpleasantness, I embrace it tightly with Dakichan, and strive to help her feel a sense of reflection—”I am a happy person”—and fall asleep comfortably. I intend to continue to work hard so that this can be maintained even after she starts her new job.

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