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So, what exactly is “a moment of happiness” for Puchiko?
Puchiko often says, “The moment I lie down on my bed in my room and can think, ‘I’m glad the day ended without incident,’ that is happiness.” Having a home, and the absence of disaster or war, is not something to be taken for granted. Being able to be in her own bed, and not in a hospital, is a great blessing and her most relaxing place.
When there are unpleasant, frustrating, worrying, or sad things, the heart can become captive to them. That is why for Puchiko, being able to lie in bed and feel, “I’m glad the day ended without incident,” is her happiness.
I had never thought that way before. Initially, I felt, “Puchiko must think that way because her life is monotonous and boring,” but recently, seeing her live with her illness, I feel like I’ve also come to realize the greatness of this “ordinary happiness.”
And I can see that this feeling has before sleep—this feeling of “I’m so happy”—is actually having a positive effect.
The Cold and the Comfort
Spring, summer, and early autumn have finally passed, and it has gotten colder. Perhaps because the bed feels chilly, Puchiko always says, “Jōji, it’s cold,” when she gets into bed. I am certainly by her side, but we cannot touch each other. That is because I am her imaginary friend. Even if she tells me, “Jōj, warm up the futon for me,” I can’t do it.
Puchiko sometimes acts spoiled before sleeping and asks me to hold her hand, perhaps feeling a little lonely. But of course, that is also impossible. Her loneliness might not be so much about the present, but rather about the anxiety she feels when she thinks about her future. Don’t most people end up pondering things that way when they go to sleep? She worries that in the future, her parents will pass away, and her married younger brother (Puchiko’s brother got married today) will naturally prioritize his own family and they might grow apart. Then she will be all alone. Eventually, the number of memorial portraits and urns for her cats displayed in her room will increase, and she will talk to the portraits of her four cats, her parents, and relatives. Outside of work, she doesn’t have many people to talk to, and when she returns home, she will probably feel lonely at night. Since she won’t have anyone to talk to, she’ll probably eat alone. That might be okay when she’s young, but what will it be like when she gets older? Will she get used to it after repeating it for many years? She’ll probably leave the TV on and talk to it. She tells me these predictions about her own future.
Because of this, even now, when Puchiko gets into bed at night, that silence makes her even lonelier. When someone is around, one might want to be alone, but once alone, one might feel lonely. So, for her, the presence that always watches over her—which includes those who have already passed away—but perhaps her imaginary friend is the closest one.
A Solution and a Sacrifice
Well, because Puchiko is like this, I watched her and thought I must do something. She usually keeps a banana-shaped body pillow named “Daki-chan” next to her in bed. I borrowed Daki-chan’s body so that she could cling to me, in a way. That is to say, I, her imaginary friend, am possessing Daki-chan’s body. However, transferring into Daki-chan comes with a hardship. She monopolizes the duvet, so I get terribly cold. I want to return to my sleeping bag, which is always kept at the foot of the bed.
I am taking care to arrange the environment now, so that Puchiko can get good sleep and reduce her stress. This is because right now, she is at a workplace that is like an oasis—supremely easy. However, four months from now, she will be working in a job that is the complete opposite. Even now, on Sunday nights or nights before the start of the work week, she struggles to fall asleep. This is because unpleasant things and anxieties swirl in her mind. Four months from now and beyond, this situation will become even more pronounced for her. That is why I want to take measures as her ally.
When Puchiko is tormented by anxiety and unpleasantness, I embrace it tightly with Dakichan, and strive to help her feel a sense of reflection—”I am a happy person”—and fall asleep comfortably. I intend to continue to work hard so that this can be maintained even after she starts her new job.
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